I’ve gone and done it. All of this talk about Fiction, and the Pod and Planet contest , has got me motivated. Below is the first entry into the humor / other things just make you swear and curse category. Enjoy, and see if you can catch the nod to one of our cast members. Oh, and if you see anything grammatically incorrect, let me know. I have some time to edit this before it is judged.
âGreetings Mr. Trudeau. I must say, I have been waiting a long time for this⌠dealâ.
Janer Trudeau, CEO, watched the holo-vid curiously. He heard a soft click indicating that his Chief Financial Officer secretly dialed into the conference.
âI wish I could say the same, Capsuleer.â Janer stated, suppressing a grin. He stared at the unusually disheveled  figure before him. Capsuleers were supposed to lookâŚutopian. This one had shaggy hair, dark circled eyes, and a bulging pot belly. Janer also noticed that the capsuleer spoke with a lisp.
âAs you know, I have had you in a checkmate for some time,â chortled the Capsuleer. â Your ability to supply the militia has come to a halt, your workers are on strike, and your board of directors have been⌠turned. To put it bluntly, you, and your company are mine.â
Janer rolled his eyes. The Trudeau Business empire expanded through hundreds of systems and employed millions of workers. This âgreenâ Capsuleer seemed to be focused on a single sub-corp, on a backwater planet, in a forgotten system. Further more, the board of directors that had been âturnedâ, were in fact the planetâs janitor consortium. How the Capsuleer could confuse janitors for suits was beyond the CEO. Still, Janer took the call out of curiosity despite how clear it was that this particular Capsuleer, neglected to do his homework.
The Empyrean continued.
âYou see, I have been working on this chess match for well over a yearâŚâ The Empyrean paused, shifted his gaze to something out of view of the holo-vid recorder,  then cleared his throat.
âI have sacrificed everything. My time, my life, my⌠familyâŚâ The Capsuleerâs lisp made a hissing sound as he said the word âfamilyâ. Janer could hear something screeching on one of the holo-vid audio bands; he leaned forward, hand extended, in an attempt to cancel out the noise.
âWhat is it now!â
An incredulous look washed over Janerâs face. He had thought the immortal had been shouting at him, when he noticed that the holo-vid figureâs gaze was focused outside of the projection again. Janer withdrew his hand from the holo-vid panel and strained his eyes in an attempt to see what had diverted the immortal’s attention. His opponentâs eyes returned to the center of the holo-vid.
âAre you ok?â Janer grinned.
âOf course I am. Just. Technical difficulty.â He stated as a matter of fact. âWhere were we, ahh yes, I was about to have you sign over you compâŚâ
Janer Trudeauâs eyes refocused on another shape that began to take form on the holo-vid. At first glance, Janer could only discern what looked like a large spike protruding from just outside of the projection. Upon further inspection, the spike materialized into an archaic rolling pin. It was a rolling pin. Â Janer watched as a large woman, holding a rolling pin, shambled into the holo-vid view.
âI told you to incinerate the trash!â The woman roared.
The capsuleer, wide eyed, tried desperately to put the holo-vid call on hold. The woman swatted his arm away with the massive, wooden pin.
âEvery day, I pick up your disgusting shorts covered in that goop from your flying egg. I tend to your rotten kids, and I cook dinner. All the while, you are on that stupid holo-machine.â
âHolo-vidâ muttered the Capsuleer, looking at the floor.
The woman gave him a nasty look. âWhatever it is, you are on that thing all day, every day⌠If you are not on that holo-machine, then you are in your egg. Why is your egg more important than incinerating the trash, and making your wife happy?â
The Capsuleer tried to answer, mouthing the word âpodâ but the woman continued. âMother was right,â she shouted, waving the rolling pin wildly âYou are a lazy⌠entitled⌠moron!â
Janer eagerly watched as the woman shouted profanities in the Capsuleerâs direction; profanities that would make Federation Navy Drill Sergeants blush.
The woman abruptly stopped waving her rolling pin.
Completely forgetting what the call was originally about, Janer leaned forward and watched the confrontation. The woman, rolling pin lowered and pointed, took a step toward the Capsuleer.
âAre⌠You⌠Wearing…  Your pod goo soaked shorts⌠on⌠my⌠new⌠sofa?!?â
Rolling pin raised, the woman began howling and lunging for the Capsuleer. Janer laughed as the woman swung the utensil. To his credit, the Capsuleer was able to dodge the first two swings but was caught by the third blow. The pin crashed into the Empyreanâs temple and sent him flying over the fluid soaked sofa.
The Capsuleer tried desperately to calm the woman down, but the blows continued to reign. She turned her attention to the holo-vid.
âYou ruined my sofa, Iâll ruin your holo-machine!â
In a surprisingly swift movement, the woman leapt over the sofa and began hacking at the holo-vid controls. Â Each blow caused the holovid image to distort, until the Capsuleer wrenched her away from the controls.
The woman spun around and pointed the rolling pin at her Empyrean husband.
âYou will incinerate the trash this instant, or I will invite my mother over for a week!â The large woman shouted.
The defeated Capsuleer sagged his shoulders and nodded his head in compliance. The woman slowly turned and waddled toward the holo-vid. She squinted as she stared into the image of Janus Trudeau.
âYou must be my husbandâs little friendâ the woman huffed. Before Janer could respond, the woman raised the rolling pin above her head, and with two hands, brought the club down on the innards of the holovid, severing the connection.
Janer blinked. He leaned back in his chair and tried to let his brain wrap around the charade he had just witnessed. He blinked again and began to roll into a hearty laugh.
He stood up, wiping away a tear of laughter from his eye, and walked over to his desk. He tapped an intercom button.
âHi honey!â said a female voice.
âDid my beautiful Chief Financial Officer see the entire holo-vid?â Janer queried, still chuckling.
âYes dear, I did. You know I like to spy on you,â cooed Mrs. Trudeau, âShould I be worried about this Capsuleer?â
âNo, not really. I think he will be focusing his attention elsewhere, at least for a while.â Janer replied with a smile.
âWell then, maybe we can put all of this business behind us⌠and go home early?â
âSure. Why not.â
âYou know honey, there is an old saying about times like this⌠Happy WifeâŚâ
ââŚHappy life,â Janer smiled.
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